Monthly Archives: May 2010

I have read and heard this question many times in books and talks.

What breaks my heart?

I ask myself this question once in a while. It helps me be in touch with my heart, with people, and things that matter to me.  But I wasn’t ready for it couple of nights ago. I didn’t have to ask. My heart just broke. As I wrote in my journal and poured my heart out, I couldn’t keep my eyes dry. Something just badly cut me inside. I will spare you of the details. It’s confusing anyway.

As I faced my own pain, I thought of my precious niece Ruth, who at this very moment, is also heartbroken. Someone very close and familiar to her, someone she’s been with everyday for the past two years or so – left her for good.

Besides her mother, 15-year-old Karen is the closest person to Ruth. She calls Karen her friend. They play together. They have their own songs and dance. They have their favourite stories. Karen bathes her, feeds her, puts her to sleep, etc. They’ve watched “Dora the Explorer” together for a thousand times. Karen is so much part of her small, innocent, uncomplicated world!

Now that Karen is gone, my sisters told me how Ruth cried looking for Karen. She would go tirelessly around the house searching for her, determined to find her, as if Karen is playing hide-and-seek with her. But the day goes by and she still couldn’t find “Tayen” (she’s only two years old; she couldn’t pronounce her nanny’s name properly). She cries frantically, till she gets tired, and then just softly cry and whisper, “Tayen…Tayen…Tayen….”

I wonder what’s going on in her young, tender mind right now. Where is Tayen? Why did she just disappear? When is she gonna show up? Why was she taken away from me?

Ah, it breaks my heart to think that a two-year-old’s heart has to go through  such pain! I wish I could spare her…

I know she will be okay one day, and eventually forget about Tayen as she grows up. But still, I couldn’t help but grieve and break with her for now.

Oh, what breaks your heart?

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” ~ Angela Schwindt

Enjoyed taking photos of my nephew Yancy (left) during our summer vacation in Cataingan, Masbate – my home in the Philippines. The blue sky, the soft sand, the kiss of the sun, the company of my family and friends, the taste of familiar food, and these wild boys swimming, running, and jumping around – ah, life!

“I’ve made the most important discovery of my life. It’s only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I’m only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am… you are all my reasons.” - from the movie A Beautiful Mind

Wasn’t I privileged and amazed to have a participant in our digital storytelling workshop like Harris Ng, who has recovered from schizophrenia? Watch his story…

“I stuttered in my voice….Yes, I honestly must tell you this. I was discharged from the Woodbridge Mental Hospital three years ago. I had a chronic mental disorder…The valentine rose in her hands dropped…Did we ever meet again? Oh, I must tell you this…”

Harris is an educator, writer, social worker, mental wellness advocate, and author of “Recovered Grace: Schizophrenia” and “Teacher Teacher I Love You”. (www.harrisng.com)

I know it sucks to be sick. Yet there’s something about it that makes me glad sometimes. When I am down in my bed, I have no choice but let go of other things, break my routines and just slow down, rest, and enjoy doing nothing. Perhaps sometimes getting sick is a gift because when I have it, I start to think more and care more about my body.

Also interestingly, when I am in bed, I effortlessly become more creative. I listen to music or to silence - and there a story comes out. At other times, I just enjoy listening to my breathing, feeling my heartbeat, hugging my pillow, and thanking my Friend.

Three days ago, I flew back to Singapore. I’m overwhelmed by both the memories I have on my recent trip to the Philippines and the things that I’m supposed to do, to catch on, to sort out, to write, etc. Big decisions to make. Meetings to attend. Business to plan.

My body got so tired and gave in yesterday. Sore throat. Fever. Chills. I hid under my comforter and shivered badly. I started to feel alone and teary. Was comforted by the ’get-well-soon’ wishes from my family and friends. I confess one thing though – I kind of enjoy my fever and chills. I haven’t had them for a long time! Reminded me of those days when I was just a little girl. When I had fever, my parents would boil egg for me, give me a bottle of Royal Tru-Orange, and put me to bed, cover me with a blanket. There’s always something special about that!